Y'all.......I am so scared and I have no clue what to do. It's like I have the choice whether to move forward or move backwards but I choose to stay in this same spot because it is comfortable. It is familiar. It won't leave me hurt and saying "f*ck dese n*ggas!" It is where I placed myself after I learned that loving too hard was a flaw that no matter how much it is bleached, dyed, Ajax-ed and Oxy Clean-ed, is going to uncomfortably remain there. Let me explain:
In February I ran across this guy on Facebook, well, actually he ran across me. We messaged each other back and forth a couple of times, and he gave me his number telling me that I could hit him up if I wanted to. Usually, I don't do that type of stuff but y'all have to understand how this man looks! He has to be the image of God himself, but I would never tell him that. I could admire his face all day, memorizing every detail until I've mastered it and start all over again. It's serious. Anyway, I decided to text him that night and told him that he should put my number to good use. He said "h*ll yeah" and the rest is history. The next day, we spent 8 hours on the phone laughing, talking about life and a series of other things. I was absolutely sold because he reminded me of all the best parts of my dad and as women, that is our Kryptonite. From that point, we spoke everyday from sun up to sundown, never allowing a bland moment. Personally, his attention made me a little bit uncomfortable because I was so used to lacking communication in every situation I had ever been in--almost to the point I would get slightly irritated because he was on a mission to get to know who I actually was. Crazy, right? But when you're accustomed to a specific type of treatment, anything outside of that box either brings a positive or negative reaction. Fortunately, I got used to his showers of attention and realized that that's what you do when you call yourself genuinely interested in someone. Before I knew it, three months had passed and here we are. Yes, we've had our ups and downs, times where we've wanted to catch up the other by the neck or call it quits but we stuck it out. He shows me what it feels like to have the care you give reciprocated and I needed that. Shoot, I think he may have the privilege of being called my boyfriend one day. A title that no one has had the honor of earning for over a year now.
So, today we were talking on the phone as usual (about butts) and under his breath he said "I love you." Being the awkward person that I am I said "Huh? Whatchu say?" to come up with some time to gather my thoughts and/or something really witty to say, but I could come up with absolutely nothing. He then said, "I like you." I could vibe with that so I said it back because I really do. He then repeated the first phrase again and I hit him with the "Huh? Whatchu say?" once again because I wasn't sure what else to say. He then said, "You heard what I said" and I quickly changed the subject. I was so scared y'all because that was the first time anyone had ever said anything like that to me. I know I am more than deserving of being loved by a man who says and shows that he doesn't want to lose me but I am so scared of being hurt and being driven to the point where I completely give up on men. The truth is, I love him too...but more like a really really good friend. I would do almost anything for him and he knows that, but because I have not had the pleasure of taking in his manly essence wholly and completely I cannot love him the way I would like to love him. Even further than that, I have trust issues. Not to the point where I would go through his phone or anything like that but enough to the point where I think he's gonna turn around and completely stop talking to me because he needs to "find himself" or because "I am too good for him and I need to go out and get a man who deserves what I have to offer." You know, drop one of those "it's not you, it's me" lines that seem to be the thing to say when they are constantly running around in their brains trying to figure out an excuse for their irrational behavior.
This man, has taken possession of my mind and that puts me in a dangerous spot because once a man has your mind, everything slowly but surely follows. He has a lot of my heart too, much more than I wish to disclose upon. I think maybe I'll stop being a little punk and go ahead and give him the rest because I think he deserves it. Who knows, I could really be missing out on something by letting my past experiences mess up what could be my future.
