The last time you all heard about my personal life, I had been dumped by a guy who I just knew I was going to spend my life, or at least, several years with. Even though I was hurting, I used the time between the breakup and the day I moved back on campus to do some introspection and get myself together for the next man that God decided He wanted to place in my life....and I was successful. I came to school at peace and was ready to conquer my junior year of college and live my life happily single while experiencing the love that only God could provide. My first night on campus, I was preparing to go to a party on campus with my sister to scope out all of the freshmen and understand their vibe. I'm in the mirror putting on my mascara when my phone rings, and guess who it is....the guy who several weeks earlier had kicked me to the curb. I contemplated answering the phone for a few seconds but I finally did, thinking that he was drunk or something. I answered the phone confused and he was just talking to me like everything was okay and finally, I brought up the ever burning issue of why in the world he was calling me. I don't quite remember what he said verbatim, but it was somewhere along the lines of "I was just thinking about you". He said some other things about his knowledge of him f**king up and I could only agree. I told him that I would've respected him a lot more if he told me that he wanted to end what we had instead of saying that he "needed a break from us", knowing good and well he had no initial intentions of ever coming back to me. He said he understood and the conversation kept moving, and the conversation ended with, "Well, I'm about to go into this party...as always it's good talking to you. Good night." After we hung up, I couldn't help but tell my sister about the conversation, even though she could hardly hear me over the DJs horrible line-up. She simply brushed it off, as she doesn't like him....never has and never will.
The next day, I got another call from him and it surprised me, as I simply thought he was calling to check to see if I was still alive the night before. We talked for HOURS like old times and immediately those feelings from before were kicked back up a little. I realized that I missed his country grammar, his soft voice and the way he makes me laugh, but I decided to ignore it because I knew we were simply catching up as friends.
After a while, I realized that he wanted to be more than friends again so let myself fall for him once again. My suspicions of his feelings were met when he went through this app where anonymous people can ask you questions and told me that he liked me but he didn't know if I wanted to try again. I responded with "you never know if you don't ask". At this point, I didn't know who this was, but if they were serious, they'd keep asking questions. He then said that I didn't know who it was and I told him that I didn't and to tell me. He then said "oh well." I then knew who it was because only he says that to me. I responded with telling him that I don't play the guessing game anyway and that he could've called or sent me a text message like an adult but....oh well. He then said "true". There is no other man on this planet who responds to me in conversation with true but him so I told him that I knew exactly who it was and my guess was correct. It still took an entire weekend to get out of him whether or not he was serious but he was and we began trying to patch things up in late September. We would talk about the future and all of that good stuff and tell each other everything because we were more than potential spouses, we were best friends.
Now to the part where I get dumped........again lol smh. The other night we were on the phone and he says "what's up" to me and I'm like "huh?" He says, "have you ever been texting someone and then say what you were texting?" I say, "No, because I don't text people when I'm on the phone with you" and that was the end of that conversation. He then says in a joking manner, "I'm only talking to you, but that's what everybody says." I respond, "Well, when I say that, I'm telling the truth." I was thinking to myself that he should know this by now. He said, "Well, I text other people but I already told you that." Immediately my heart drops and I tell him that I'm going to sleep. I don't hear anything over the phone so I'm saying "Hello?" repeatedly and then the phone disconnects. He texts me "Lol wow" and I text back "What? You hung up on me" and he responds with "No" so I immediately call him back. He said, "You said you were going to sleep?" and I told him I was and he says "oh well." I asked him what he said that for and he said nothing and told me that he was going to sleep too. We said our good nights and I text him that my feelings were just hurt and he asked why I felt that way and asked if I really did hang up. I told him that it was because I forget sometimes that he's not mine and that like I said before I didn't hang up on him. He responds with "Iight" and I asked him what that means and he said "nothing goodnight". Immediately I'm confused at why he's upset because clearly I'm the one who should feel played. I don't hear from him the next morning which was unusual because we usually talk things through the next day. I take it upon myself to to text him and he is extremely curt with me. I told him that clearly he wasn't feeling me that day and good luck on his paper, which I was helping him on the night before. He says "ok thanks". I don't hear from him that entire night in to the next morning. Again, I text him saying that I'm not sure where his head is at, but I miss hearing his voice and would like to talk to him soon. A few minutes later, he texts me saying that he doesn't want a relationship and he has a lot on his plate and he doesn't want me to think that he's playing me and he has to ease up because he doesn't want me in my feelings. Naturally, I'm confused because a day or two previous to that, he was talking about him wanting a relationship with me and actually taking the steps to achieve that. I told him that I was afraid he was going to leave me hanging again, but you live and learn and as always I want nothing but happiness for him. He responds with "wow ok." In my mind, I'm wondering why he's wow-ing because he's the one who kicked me to the curb (once again) via text. I guess he got his feelings hurt because he twisted up my words all types of ways, saying that I never intended on him being my last and how he was simply a lesson. *insert straight face* People......I never said any of this! That was basically the end of that conversation. Keep in mind, that this conversation was all during my field experience in a high school classroom. My eyes got a little wet, but I played it off by yawning, I couldn't go down like that.....I'm a straight G. As soon as I got back to my room, I popped open a big can of select beverage and cried to Ali (thank God she was in my room printing off an application). I told her that it wasn't fair to be simply an option to someone who I had made my only choice and how I was completely done with men and how I didn't want to be bothered by any of them, I even went so far as to telling her to delete his number out of my phone and un-friending him on Facebook lol. I was in the midst of deleting this guy out of my life forever!(in the midst of my fiery temper tantrum he sent me a text saying that he believes that God has someone special for me.) I got into the bed and went to sleep after I posted a few comical tweets and one that outlined the difficulty of being a naturally loving, caring and emotionally open person. I layed in my bed and just cried, cried, cried like a big baby because I was just so sick of everything. I asked myself over and over again why I allowed myself to be just a great woman to men who didn't even have the common courtesy to pick the phone up and kick me to the curb. I asked God why in the world he made me with such a huge heart and then allowed me to attract these...guys. I told him that I was sick of these dudes that feel like they can simply walk in and out of my life and sick of going through the same thing but with a different face. I was outright pitiful, but in the middle of my "pitifulness", I told God that I would wait for whoever He has for me, because this getting my feelings hurt business, was NOT for your girl.
He called later that night because he had an issue with something I said on Twitter, we argued a little bit more and we haven't spoken since....
So here's where the wisdom and advice part comes in.....
Patience is key! What I have to tell myself is that even though I haven't been in a serious relationship or even been on my first date, that those things WILL COME! I am only twenty years old and while I am focused on being sought out by the man who God placed on this earth especially for me, I should enjoy the time I have as a single young woman and use it to grow even more. While it is easy for me to say that I'm going to be lonely for the rest of my life, I know that's not true. God put me (and YOU) on this earth to be a force and the reason why a man wakes up every morning and decides to make good choices. Do you understand that one day, a man will walk up to you already set in his mind that you are going to be his wife? Do you realize that you will be the reason why a man decides to grow and become better with each day? Do you realize that there is a man somewhere in this world who would (without a second thought) give his life for you, just as God's only Son? Let that simmer for a bit......
Don't get discouraged by these "knuckleheads who are fake a**holes most of the time and don't even know if they're on the DL or not" as my dad would say. Be encouraged because you have always been on this earth for a man to love and cherish whole-heartedly and NOT only when he feels. Even though you may not come across him in the next month, or even year your patience and "struggles" in love will be rewarded and you'll wonder how in the world you lucked up with a man so beautiful.
As always, feel free to leave comments, questions and suggestions below! I always respond!XOXO
