*Note: This is a vent. A flow of thoughts. A release. Not meant to be proper.*
It's been awhile - almost 2 years actually since I've sat down and really shared my life with you guys.
To make a long story short, this space is where I get things off of my chest. Writing is truly my therapy and as I start to type, I can just feel everything beginning to melt away. Over the past (almost) 3 years, I was in a relationship that I honestly thought would be my last. We had our ups and downs, but at the end of the day? I just *knew* we were together for the long haul because we had a chemistry that was amazing. I felt like we loved each other with the same intensity, had the same goals and values and thought we were each other's soulmates. Like, he was my first true everything, and what woman doesn't want her first truth to be the last?
I remember the first time I compromised my needs and wants. It was December 31, 2015. I found out some dishonesty was taking place behind my back and it broke me. I believe I cried for 2 months straight because never in my black ass life would I betray and disrespect someone's love the way mine had been. I should've put things into perspective at the time and moved on, but I was so in love that I believed that things would work out, cause we were "in it for the long haul." The second time I compromised myself, was July 4 of this year. I was confronted with the same issues from December. The twist was we were in Houston looking for apartments. We were literally taking the first steps to realizing our 2 year goal of no longer being in a long distance relationship. I remember saying, "You're a fucking liar and we're not moving to Houston cause you always lying!" At that moment, I should've stood in that. Instead? My in love ass decided that we should move forward and still move to TX. The next month, we planned a trip to HOU to pay for the apartment we chose......I'm the only one who showed up....but he had all the money. At that moment, something inside of me fell off the shelf. I no longer felt the desire to try because I was the only one who ever tried. I was the only one who ever fought, when the entire time I should've realized that I was the one who shoulda been chilling in my amazingness and letting niggas do the fighting for me.
For a month, I tried to make something flicker. I tried to turn back on that fire that had kept me burning for so long, but I just couldn't. Yes, I still loved him, but I was unbelievably angry - at him, at God, at myself for being so dependent. We were sooooo close but here comes some more bullshit. One Saturday, after the HOU abandonment, I laid in my bed and cried until my eyes were almost swollen shut. I couldn't believe that this man who literally swept me off of my feet and once was the man I had been praying for could disregard me in such a major way, I tried to look back at signs before December and I couldn't find any. Yes, there was an issue where he'd text allllll the time, but I just considered it a generational thing where guys just don't know how to pick up the phone. I don't know why y'all are allergic to phone conversation, honestly. Truly. Anyway, we had a heart to heart and I thought things would work themselves out but things just constantly went downhill. I found myself doing what he should've been doing and finding myself extremely unhappy because I wasn't the one who had the making up to do.
Then shit really hit the fan. I got broken up with at 8am while I was at work Via text. When *I* tried to call to give him a chance to at least do it like he cared about me, my call was forwarded after one ring, Instant tears. I had never felt so disrespected or embarrassed or stupid. I stayed in my office that entire day just bawling. It was a horrible time. I woke up crying, went to sleep crying. Stayed away from my house because it was too lonely. Stopped eating cause I'd cry. Like, it was bad lol. After all of the maltreatment, I was somehow not ready to let go. We gave it another go round which lasted MAYBE three weeks. I find it funny because I was treated even worse smh lol...it was like God was like, "Okay, you want this nigga so bad? Here. Imma let you get tired of this shit since you refuse to go cold turkey." The sadness in my face, demeanor, work ethic was so scary. I had never been in a place where I was so not as peace that I didn't recognize myself in the mirror. I couldn't even take decent selfies because I was overcast with this shadow of gloom that just made everything so unattractive, I couldn't find the positive in anything, I hated my job, I hated life. I just wanted to crawl into a ball on my mom's lap and cry for hours, so I did. The first thing I said to her was, "I'm so unhappy and I hate it! I've never felt so undervalued, unappreciated and sad and it's like, I can't get over it!" And I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and she let me do it. One of the most memorable and important things she told me was that "I am lovable. I am worthy. I am deserving" Three things I had forgotten and it showed. I forgot that I was lovable just the way I am and anyone that makes me feel like I have to shift myself to fit into their mold is not the one for me. I forgot that I was worthy of a love that is all-consuming. One that makes me feel secure, warm and inspired. I forgot that I was deserving of the love that I give. The kind that makes me feel like I'm the most special person in the world because I have someone in my corner who would go to war for me without second thought. Someone who is unafraid to tell me that I'm getting on their nerves and vise versa. Someone who I can chill with in my sweats and bonnet, sharing a bag of potato chips, as we watch trash television. So simple. I swear I am not difficult, but I was almost "coerced" into believing that what I was asking for was just the most difficult and impossible shit ever. Like.....
I've learned that you cannot teach someone how to love you if they do not wholly love themselves. No matter how amazing and cool and significant you think someone is? That...shit...doesn't...matter...if they don't see those things in themselves. No matter how you much you tell them, how much you show them by sticking around, they won't get it. They'll just think you're stupid for sticking around with someone (themselves) who they feel isn't worthy. They'll take you and your beautiful ass for granted because you've taught them that no matter how they treat you you're gonna stick around. And oh, bih. They absolutely positively know they have someone amazing. They do...like, don't let these niggas have you out here questioning your greatness, asking yourself, "I'm so great and wonderful. Why doesn't so and so see it?" THEY SEE IT. THEY KNOW. And if they know it? That Kappa, with shoulders loose as water, that's a lawyer? Is just waiting to be all the man you'd ever need and want sees it too.
*takes deep breath* Okay. I think I'm done. I just really needed this space to vent. And I feel so much better. This isn't meant to bash, by any means because I'm not angry. I didn't write this to be mean spirited. I've made peace with the fact that when someone is unable to love you the way you need to be loved, you can't force it. That's like expecting a 6 month old to run a 5k. It's not within their capacity right now, but it will be eventually if they choose for it to be. I can't be mad at someone for completely being unable. That's selfish and it's illogical. What's even more selfish is playing someone's crutch. Being a crutch is not beneficial to either party because one party isn't allowed to do much needed growth and the other creates stress for themselves that is completely unnecessary.
As a final thought: Love yourself ladies (and gents). Know what you deserve. Never downplay your greatness. Sometimes that material shit is overcompensation for being an asshole (thanks to my aunt for putting that into perspective for me). Want what you want and don't back down, Growth is uncomfortable af, but it's necessary. And finally, don't be a side chick. Nobody likes those. Especially dumb ass ones that make themselves visible....
