I know it's entirely too late to be up but I couldn't sleep because I have way too much weighing on my brain. So, I guess I'll write until what's left of my battery wears off.
As I sit here in the dark, I'm thinking about my roommate and how loud this d*mn television is, and wondering why it's on Disney Channel. I'm thinking about whether or not I'll wake up in the morning with a backache from this unfortunate excuse for a mattress. I'm also thinking about how I had no clue what I was getting myself into when I decided to hand Sunshine my heart after convincing myself that I had his. Sometimes, I wonder to myself who in the world hurt this man and caused him to be, at times, distrusting and unsure of my feelings for him. Forever wondering if he's the only one and conjuring up these ideas that I have these "boos" lined up at my feet. *laughs to self* Shoot, whoever he's talking about needs to introduce themselves because a sistahs pockets be strugglin! But for real, I feel like that in part is why I cannot love him beyond that "I have feelings for you" level. I can't stand the thought of loving someone, with the depth that I love, and continuously be questioned. He's such a beautiful person and I would NEVER do anything to hurt him because I know how it feels. It has to be the worst feeling in the world. I remember the first time I got my heart broken I would come back to my room everyday after class for two weeks and just cry, wondering why I wasn't good enough and why he couldn't care for me the same way I cared for him. After about a month (or two lol) I looked myself in the mirror and told myself that any man would be beyond blessed to have me. I knew better than to be crying over some anti-social self-proclaimed a**hole who was probably cooped up in his room playing video games all day and not thinking about me at all. I then did my Beyonce shrug, flipped my bang (since I have short hair) and said, "Oh well, his loss." Soon after, Sunshine came along and made me so happy. You could even see it in my face.
Maybe we're just at a rough patch though and just need some elbow grease and communication to get through. I'm still learning what genuineness and persistence look and feel like since I haven't had the best examples in my life. I'm a born fighter and don't want to give up, even though I feel like throwing in the towel is sometimes the only thing that you can really do. I don't know....but we'll see soon enough. Wish me the best...XOXO
