Scared of Genuine

Y'all.......I am so scared and I have no clue what to do. It's like I have the choice whether to move forward or move backwards but I choose to stay in this same spot because it is comfortable. It is familiar. It won't leave me hurt and saying "f*ck dese n*ggas!" It is where I placed myself after I learned that loving too hard was a flaw that no matter how much it is bleached, dyed, Ajax-ed and Oxy Clean-ed, is going to uncomfortably remain there. Let me explain:

In February I ran across this guy on Facebook, well, actually he ran across me. We messaged each other back and forth a couple of times, and he gave me his number telling me that I could hit him up if I wanted to. Usually, I don't do that type of stuff but y'all have to understand how this man looks! He has to be the image of God himself, but I would never tell him that. I could admire his face all day, memorizing every detail until I've mastered it and start all over again. It's serious. Anyway, I decided to text him that night and told him that he should put my number to good use. He said "h*ll yeah" and the rest is history. The next day, we spent  8 hours on the phone laughing, talking about life and a series of other things. I was absolutely sold because he reminded me of all the best parts of my dad and as women, that is our Kryptonite. From that point, we spoke everyday from sun up to sundown, never allowing a bland moment. Personally, his attention made me a little bit uncomfortable because I was so used to lacking communication in every situation I had ever been in--almost to the point I would get slightly irritated because he was on a mission to get to know who I actually was. Crazy, right? But when you're accustomed to a specific type of treatment, anything outside of that box either brings a positive or negative reaction. Fortunately, I got used to his showers of attention and realized that that's what you do when you call yourself genuinely interested in someone. Before I knew it, three months had passed and here we are. Yes, we've had our ups and downs, times where we've wanted to  catch up the other by the neck or call it quits but we stuck it out. He shows me what it feels like to have the care you give reciprocated and I needed that. Shoot, I think he may have the privilege of being called my boyfriend one day. A title that no one has had the honor of earning for over a year now.

So, today we were talking on the phone as usual (about butts) and under his breath he said "I love you." Being the awkward person that I am I said "Huh? Whatchu say?" to come up with some time to gather my thoughts and/or something really witty to say, but I could come up with absolutely nothing. He then said, "I like you." I could vibe with that so I said it back because I really do. He then repeated the first phrase again and I hit him with the "Huh? Whatchu say?" once again because I wasn't sure what else to say. He then said, "You heard what I said" and I quickly changed the subject. I was so scared y'all because that was the first time anyone had ever said anything like that to me. I know I am more than deserving of being loved by a man who says and shows that he doesn't want to lose me but I am so scared of being hurt and being driven to the point where I completely give up on men. The truth is, I love him too...but more like a really really good friend. I would do almost anything for him and he knows that, but because I have not had the pleasure of taking in his manly essence wholly and completely I cannot love him the way I would like to love him. Even further than that, I have trust issues. Not to the point where I would go through his phone or anything like that but enough to the point where I think he's gonna turn around and completely stop talking to me because he needs to "find himself" or because "I am too good for him and I need to go out and get a man who deserves what I have to offer." You know, drop one of those "it's not you, it's me" lines that seem to be the thing to say when they are constantly running around in their brains trying to figure out an excuse for their irrational behavior.

This man, has taken possession of my mind and that puts me in a dangerous spot because once a man has your mind, everything slowly but surely follows. He has a lot of my heart too, much more than I wish to disclose upon. I think maybe I'll stop being a little punk and go ahead and give him the rest because I think he deserves it. Who knows, I could really be missing out on something by letting my past experiences mess up what could be my future.

Personal Hygiene

     So, instead of doing the usual post, I decided to record a video mainly because it's an extensive topic and because I want to add a bit of variety to my blog. It is mandatory that as ladies we keep ourselves up. If we don't care for ourselves, nobody else will! Enjoy! (Note: I misspelled hygiene...but you know what I mean...)

Know Your Worth

I have a tendency to address the ladies whenever I publish a post, but unfortunately (but oh so fortunately) I am a female who goes through female things, so I can't help but to write things that are on the feminine tip. I think this post will be a bit a different though, since it is something that everyone has been through at one point or another in their lives. Whether it be in friendships, intimate relationships or even relationships with parents all of us have had challenges with realizing our worth.

I can't describe how important it is to know your worth! Knowing your worth prevents you from taking a lot of BS that someone who sees themselves as average would take. Unfortunately, sometimes in love we overlook our own happiness to deal with treatment that we know we are not worthy of. We remove our crowns in order to deal with a peasant who we just know with every fiber of our being, will be good enough to wholly and completely call themselves ours one day. As bad as it sounds, you have to give up on folks sometimes, simply because they will never know your worth. They will never give you what you want. In some cases, they do know your worth, they just refuse to show you your worth because you've dealt with their stomach wrenching behavior for so long. They just figure that you're not going anywhere no matter how bad you treat them. Sometimes, we want to to be wanted so bad that we lower our standards just so that we can be okay. In reality, all we are doing in hurting ourselves and in a way deceiving them by pretending to be okay with what they are handing us, when we're really not. The crazy thing is, once we finally decide to outline our expectations, we are all of a sudden "trippin" and they take it upon themselves to drop us. When you get done moaning, and groaning and declaring that the world must be coming to an end, step back and evaluate the situation. What did you really lose? "Side chick" or "second hand" treatment? Confusion? Feelings of never being good enough? Oh. Okay. I thought so. They did you a favor, trust me on this, and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you'll come to terms with the fact that they were just a disgusting clog that was standing in the way of someone who actually is above and beyond your expectations.

What everyone needs to learn how to do and something that I am slowly but surely working on, is learning how to express needs and wants initially. Going about relationships (and life in general) in that manner will leave very little room for mess ups. It will allow you to cut people off with the knowledge that they did not live up to what you laid out in from of them in the first place. Yes, it's a bit cut throat but it is such a liberating feeling to know that you knew your worth and refused to take the scraps they were offering.

As always, if you have any additional comments or questions or if you don't agree with what I have written feel free to let me know. Enlightenment is always welcome...XOXO

Friends With My Ex??

   So, I know there are a lot of people out there who argue that you should never talk to your ex after you have agreed to go you all's separate ways, whether that agreement be consensual...or not so consensual. Personally, I believe that if you all were true friends then it's perfectly okay to talk to each other after you all are no longer in a relationship just as long as you both know your boundaries and of course the other person wants to remain friends as well. In order to explain the process, I'll outline some guidelines about what you can and cannot do.

1. Give each other SPACE! If you have ever been in a relationship that ended you understand how much of an emotional toll it can take on you. For females, I know it feels like the whole world is coming to an end and nothing in the world can make us feel better, especially if we REALLY cared for this individual. Please give each other time and space to figure the world out. If that person still wants to remain friends, they'll come around......believe me. Do not press the issue or they may never come around.
2. Don't get it TWISTED! It's important that you remember that you all broke up for one purpose or another. Your ex is your ex for a reason. Just because they come back around doesn't mean that they want a relationship with you again, it probably just means that they still want you in their life for one reason or another. Find that reason out and conduct yourself accordingly.
3. Know your boundaries! As difficult as it may be (especially if they are one of the sexiest things on Earth) don't cross certain lines, especially if you're the one who did the "breaking up." You may confuse the other person emotionally and that is an issue no one wants to deal with. If you are no longer in a relationship with that person, you don't need to be kissing them, touching them intimately, having "alone time" or saying things that you said when you were in a relationship. You lost that dynamic of the relationship once you all decided to no longer be together. If you notice your ex is trying to "get over" on you, quietly remind him or her that they lost that privilege.....it works every time  If they don't get it, I suggest you remove yourself from the situation and tell that person that you all are simply friends and they need to remember that.

   Now, I don't claim to know it all, but these are some of the things that I have learned while keeping a strong and meaningful friendship with my ex-boyfriend. While it did take a month or two for us to start talking again, once we did it was smooth sailing. It was almost like we never lost a beat. He knows his place and I know mine. While he occasionally does step out of line, I correct him, but in a male's mind if you are giving him any type of time he believes he has a chance of getting the good stuff (NOPE!!!) He didn't get it in the relationship and I hope he knows that he's definitely not getting anything outside of the relationship.

Anyway, these are just a few guidelines. If you have any others or you don't agree with what I said, feel free to comment below...your point of view is always welcome! XOXO

Post of the Decade!

    Out of boredom, I decided to log on to Facebook. As I was perusing through the usual "he said-she said" drama, wanna-be-a-thug-niggas posting Biggie lyrics and twelve year old children talking about the little life they have lived, I came across this picture. Honestly, it took me by surprise--not because I haven't known this, but because somebody else besides me knows this!

So many times I've heard females complain about men not being chivalrous towards them. While I listen to her bitch and moan about how this male doesn't open doors for her, watch his profanity in her presence and blah blah blee blah, I am forced to bite my tongue. I would tell her that if she put her titties and butt away every once in a while maybe she'd attract a man who actually treated her like more than a basic hoe. I would tell her that if she showed that she loved herself and displayed characteristics that weren't of a woman who constantly thirsts for the drink that only males can offer, maybe a male would recognize that she's more than a walking collection of moist holes. But unfortunately, since she doesn't carry herself like a lady, men don't feel the need to put on like gentlemen.

    Ladies, maybe some of your mothers did not have this conversation with you, but men will only treat you how you allow them to treat you! (PLEASE take a moment and soak that in) Don't get me wrong, there are some men who know that you're a lady but just don't have that sort of training that we see as "gentlemen-like" and that's where you have to teach him. I mean, any man really doesn't know right off the bat how to treat you and even if you aren't verbally telling him the dos and don'ts of how to handle you, your carriage will teach him. For instance, if you always get the door yourself, he'll just figure he never has to get the door. Fortunately, I've never had to open any door for myself when I was with a male and if I was with a male who thought I was going to get the door, I would stand there until he got the message! I know some of you may be asking yourselves whether or not I looked stupid and the answer is no. It usually didn't take more than two or three seconds for the message to get through to him because fortunately, I've been blessed to only have been approached by intelligent men. Now, if everything doesn't quite "click" in your man's head, maybe you should nudge him along with a "aren't you gonna get that." If he still doesn't get it, make sure you lose his number and run away as fast as you possibly can because he is probably an escapee from the mental asylum, I'm just saying. How he treats you is not only in chivalry. For instance, let's say you're a pretty passive person. Your man just does ridiculous things and you never address the issue because, well.....you're passive. He knows that you won't say anything because you never have and most likely never will. Then, if you finally decide to address the issue, he'll probably look at you half crazy and say "you trippin" because you've never said anything before. The same goes for the ladies that break-up with their men and take him back. He'll keep doing whatever the hell he wants, because he knows no matter how bad he messes up, you'll always take him back. The point is to establish your expectations at the beginning of your relationship, that way, there is no room for confusion. When you lay out your expectations, he will be forced to meet them if he really likes you and if he refuses to try to reach them, then maybe you need to let him go.

    Now, like I said before, if you're expecting all of these things, (the chivalry stuff at least) you have to carry yourself like a lady. A lot of times, a man won't be chivalrous towards a female he considers a block head. Don't just expect a nigga to open a door, though, and have an air of...what is it? ENTITLEMENT. A guy does not HAVE to open a door for you, but when he does say "thank you." Act like a lady by being appreciative and I promise you, he'll feel more led to do more gentlemen like things for you.

   I think I've said maybe all that I can say relating to this subject. I'll only ramble on and on about various things that won't even relate, so I'll just call it quits. But, what I will say is, I only share what I have learned in my short 19 years and am still learning, so if you don't agree with something I said or you feel like there's more to it, comment below. I'm more than open...XOXO

The Unedited Free Flow

It’s important that you understand that this is simply a flow of thoughts. No specific rhythm or making of sense intended…

As I sit here rubbing my eyelashes that still bear the mascara of yesterday, I am deliberating on what I want to write about, so in the midst of my indecisiveness, I have decided to write about how intoxication makes girls scream and my increased annoyance of the word “relationship.”

Growing up, I was taught that I was supposed to stay a virgin with such urgency, that to stray away from that would only lead me to death and then Hell. As a matter of fact, losing my virginity to someone other than my husband would lead me to somewhere below Hell, because it was something even Satan himself would find vile. As a result, me, my virginity and its container Fancy Nancy (I’m still working on a name for her) have created a special bond. I’m convinced that if I lose my virginity that I will have nothing left in this world. It’s like, when I have no one else, she’s there…she’s my pride and joy and any woman over the age of 18 who has yet to experience any type of sexual act should understand exactly what I mean. I remember when I was ashamed of being a virgin because it was the cool thing to go out and hump any and every thing that crossed your path, even if that meant claiming bisexuality or homosexuality because specific sexual desires weren’t being satiated by people of the opposite sex or other inanimate objects. It took several friends who lost their virginity at a young age, to convince me that still having mine was something to be proud of, and if they could do it over, they would still have theirs. Somewhere between the spring semester of my senior year in high school and the beginning of my freshman year of college, I found peace with the idea of me never having a sexual encounter- not even so much as a kiss.

Lately though, (especially when I’m intoxicated) my girl Fancy Nancy has been singing sonatas of being rejected and lonely and how she needs attention from some husky Southern gentleman who knows when not to be so gentle lol. It’s horrible y’all. I may be walking across campus and then she starts a screaming and singing the blues and I have to stop for a few seconds to get my life together before continuing my voyage from wherever to wherever. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I want to have sex because I know I’m one of those females who will be on that BS every time. Even though I've never had the “privilege” of being caught in one of those situations where I've had to pull the “I’m not that type of girl” or “I don’t love you, so I can’t” I know that I would…every single time. *makes forever alone face* Most times I just want to be held and told how wonderful I am.  No kissing, rubbing, none of that…it’s not even necessary. When I smile, Fancy Nancy is satisfied and the world is at peace until she finds it imperative to make herself known again. That leads me to my second topic, which is totally unrelated but been on my mind lately: relationships.

This word, relationships sounded so sweet to me a year and some months ago when I was entering the pearly gates of college life. I was floating on clouds with the conviction that I was going to meet a wonderful guy who was going to be my boyfriend all four years of college and we were going to be a wonderful couple and then graduate and get wonderfully married, just like my mother and father…WRONG!! I wasn't even talking to anyone until January and we rushed things and our relationship was done by the end of March. Now that I think about it, it wasn't even much of a relationship because I never kissed him or gave him so much as a hug lol. I guess I wanted a boyfriend so bad that I gave myself permission to settle for something that I knew wouldn't be good for me in the long run. There are some behaviors that were displayed in that situation that cause me to step completely to the left of life if a guy I am talking to displays even a hint of the same conduct. I try not to make this guy pay for what the last guy did, but it’s easier said than done.

After dealing with the second situation, which is slowly but surely getting back to its friendship aspect, I told myself that I am just not a relationship person. I've been telling myself that the whole idea of someday wanting a family is no longer a part of life, but simply an option. I think I finally convinced myself that I want to do so much with my life that a husband and kids is almost out of the question. I wouldn't dare tell my mother and grandmother that, I think they’d have a fit, mostly because it’s my “destined” responsibility to stop the cycle of broken and short-lived relationships that have plagued my family’s women from generation to generation. I’m nineteen though, and thinking about “forever” with anyone would be almost everything except logical and mature thinking, especially since I have life plans that have no loose seams that could possibly wiggle free enough to fit anyone else. Maybe I’ll meet a nice young man who will change the way I feel about relationships. Who knows? I could’ve already met him, but he’s just grooming himself into the man that he feels I deserve.

The Journey

    I'm on a journey. I have packed my bags and placed them on my back, now I am in search of a place to put them down. I'm on a journey to that place called self-love and appreciation which sits right outside of self-respect and that little utopia where standards are set.
    Saturday night, I was telling one of my male friends about my life and how there have been some things that have occurred here recently that have made me question my worth as both a woman and a human in general. In the midst of that conversation, he told me three things that I had to simmer on and apply to my life:

• Get to total self-love
• Tell God everything
• Put forgiveness at the front of everything you do

     As we were talking, he asked me what self-love looked like to me. I found it disturbing that no matter how many times I ran around in my mind searching over and beneath every quote I had ever come across and everything my mother had ever told me, I could not come up with an answer to the seemingly simple question, "What does self-love look like to you?" In order to save myself I told him that I didn't think self-love had a look and that it was more of a feeling, kind of like how someone can look like a good person, but be the most evil bitch or bastard you had ever crossed paths with. He stopped me and answered the question with the most ease in the world and at that moment I realized that I loved myself, but not enough.

     A portion of self-love is recognizing every trial and tribulation that you have been through, and embracing them as stepping stones to who God wants us to be in Him. Even though I have been abused, homeless and rejected by the ones who should have been closest to me, I have to understand that they are all a part of me. On this journey, which my mother described as one of the beautiful processes in one's life, I no longer have the right to parade around, putting up a facade as if my life has been a crystal stair. I have to look my issues in the face and tell them that I forgive them for making my stomach turn when a male touches me or providing me with the false notion that I will never be good enough for any male because I was never good enough for my father or any other male that I saw as someone I wanted to look up to. I have to gather them in my arms and tell I love them because they have made me who I am and who I am yet to become.

    I believe this will be the hardest thing I have ever done, but the ending result will be a powerful woman...