Friends With My Ex??

   So, I know there are a lot of people out there who argue that you should never talk to your ex after you have agreed to go you all's separate ways, whether that agreement be consensual...or not so consensual. Personally, I believe that if you all were true friends then it's perfectly okay to talk to each other after you all are no longer in a relationship just as long as you both know your boundaries and of course the other person wants to remain friends as well. In order to explain the process, I'll outline some guidelines about what you can and cannot do.

1. Give each other SPACE! If you have ever been in a relationship that ended you understand how much of an emotional toll it can take on you. For females, I know it feels like the whole world is coming to an end and nothing in the world can make us feel better, especially if we REALLY cared for this individual. Please give each other time and space to figure the world out. If that person still wants to remain friends, they'll come around......believe me. Do not press the issue or they may never come around.
2. Don't get it TWISTED! It's important that you remember that you all broke up for one purpose or another. Your ex is your ex for a reason. Just because they come back around doesn't mean that they want a relationship with you again, it probably just means that they still want you in their life for one reason or another. Find that reason out and conduct yourself accordingly.
3. Know your boundaries! As difficult as it may be (especially if they are one of the sexiest things on Earth) don't cross certain lines, especially if you're the one who did the "breaking up." You may confuse the other person emotionally and that is an issue no one wants to deal with. If you are no longer in a relationship with that person, you don't need to be kissing them, touching them intimately, having "alone time" or saying things that you said when you were in a relationship. You lost that dynamic of the relationship once you all decided to no longer be together. If you notice your ex is trying to "get over" on you, quietly remind him or her that they lost that privilege.....it works every time  If they don't get it, I suggest you remove yourself from the situation and tell that person that you all are simply friends and they need to remember that.

   Now, I don't claim to know it all, but these are some of the things that I have learned while keeping a strong and meaningful friendship with my ex-boyfriend. While it did take a month or two for us to start talking again, once we did it was smooth sailing. It was almost like we never lost a beat. He knows his place and I know mine. While he occasionally does step out of line, I correct him, but in a male's mind if you are giving him any type of time he believes he has a chance of getting the good stuff (NOPE!!!) He didn't get it in the relationship and I hope he knows that he's definitely not getting anything outside of the relationship.

Anyway, these are just a few guidelines. If you have any others or you don't agree with what I said, feel free to comment below...your point of view is always welcome! XOXO

Post of the Decade!

    Out of boredom, I decided to log on to Facebook. As I was perusing through the usual "he said-she said" drama, wanna-be-a-thug-niggas posting Biggie lyrics and twelve year old children talking about the little life they have lived, I came across this picture. Honestly, it took me by surprise--not because I haven't known this, but because somebody else besides me knows this!

So many times I've heard females complain about men not being chivalrous towards them. While I listen to her bitch and moan about how this male doesn't open doors for her, watch his profanity in her presence and blah blah blee blah, I am forced to bite my tongue. I would tell her that if she put her titties and butt away every once in a while maybe she'd attract a man who actually treated her like more than a basic hoe. I would tell her that if she showed that she loved herself and displayed characteristics that weren't of a woman who constantly thirsts for the drink that only males can offer, maybe a male would recognize that she's more than a walking collection of moist holes. But unfortunately, since she doesn't carry herself like a lady, men don't feel the need to put on like gentlemen.

    Ladies, maybe some of your mothers did not have this conversation with you, but men will only treat you how you allow them to treat you! (PLEASE take a moment and soak that in) Don't get me wrong, there are some men who know that you're a lady but just don't have that sort of training that we see as "gentlemen-like" and that's where you have to teach him. I mean, any man really doesn't know right off the bat how to treat you and even if you aren't verbally telling him the dos and don'ts of how to handle you, your carriage will teach him. For instance, if you always get the door yourself, he'll just figure he never has to get the door. Fortunately, I've never had to open any door for myself when I was with a male and if I was with a male who thought I was going to get the door, I would stand there until he got the message! I know some of you may be asking yourselves whether or not I looked stupid and the answer is no. It usually didn't take more than two or three seconds for the message to get through to him because fortunately, I've been blessed to only have been approached by intelligent men. Now, if everything doesn't quite "click" in your man's head, maybe you should nudge him along with a "aren't you gonna get that." If he still doesn't get it, make sure you lose his number and run away as fast as you possibly can because he is probably an escapee from the mental asylum, I'm just saying. How he treats you is not only in chivalry. For instance, let's say you're a pretty passive person. Your man just does ridiculous things and you never address the issue because, well.....you're passive. He knows that you won't say anything because you never have and most likely never will. Then, if you finally decide to address the issue, he'll probably look at you half crazy and say "you trippin" because you've never said anything before. The same goes for the ladies that break-up with their men and take him back. He'll keep doing whatever the hell he wants, because he knows no matter how bad he messes up, you'll always take him back. The point is to establish your expectations at the beginning of your relationship, that way, there is no room for confusion. When you lay out your expectations, he will be forced to meet them if he really likes you and if he refuses to try to reach them, then maybe you need to let him go.

    Now, like I said before, if you're expecting all of these things, (the chivalry stuff at least) you have to carry yourself like a lady. A lot of times, a man won't be chivalrous towards a female he considers a block head. Don't just expect a nigga to open a door, though, and have an air of...what is it? ENTITLEMENT. A guy does not HAVE to open a door for you, but when he does say "thank you." Act like a lady by being appreciative and I promise you, he'll feel more led to do more gentlemen like things for you.

   I think I've said maybe all that I can say relating to this subject. I'll only ramble on and on about various things that won't even relate, so I'll just call it quits. But, what I will say is, I only share what I have learned in my short 19 years and am still learning, so if you don't agree with something I said or you feel like there's more to it, comment below. I'm more than open...XOXO

The Unedited Free Flow

It’s important that you understand that this is simply a flow of thoughts. No specific rhythm or making of sense intended…

As I sit here rubbing my eyelashes that still bear the mascara of yesterday, I am deliberating on what I want to write about, so in the midst of my indecisiveness, I have decided to write about how intoxication makes girls scream and my increased annoyance of the word “relationship.”

Growing up, I was taught that I was supposed to stay a virgin with such urgency, that to stray away from that would only lead me to death and then Hell. As a matter of fact, losing my virginity to someone other than my husband would lead me to somewhere below Hell, because it was something even Satan himself would find vile. As a result, me, my virginity and its container Fancy Nancy (I’m still working on a name for her) have created a special bond. I’m convinced that if I lose my virginity that I will have nothing left in this world. It’s like, when I have no one else, she’s there…she’s my pride and joy and any woman over the age of 18 who has yet to experience any type of sexual act should understand exactly what I mean. I remember when I was ashamed of being a virgin because it was the cool thing to go out and hump any and every thing that crossed your path, even if that meant claiming bisexuality or homosexuality because specific sexual desires weren’t being satiated by people of the opposite sex or other inanimate objects. It took several friends who lost their virginity at a young age, to convince me that still having mine was something to be proud of, and if they could do it over, they would still have theirs. Somewhere between the spring semester of my senior year in high school and the beginning of my freshman year of college, I found peace with the idea of me never having a sexual encounter- not even so much as a kiss.

Lately though, (especially when I’m intoxicated) my girl Fancy Nancy has been singing sonatas of being rejected and lonely and how she needs attention from some husky Southern gentleman who knows when not to be so gentle lol. It’s horrible y’all. I may be walking across campus and then she starts a screaming and singing the blues and I have to stop for a few seconds to get my life together before continuing my voyage from wherever to wherever. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I want to have sex because I know I’m one of those females who will be on that BS every time. Even though I've never had the “privilege” of being caught in one of those situations where I've had to pull the “I’m not that type of girl” or “I don’t love you, so I can’t” I know that I would…every single time. *makes forever alone face* Most times I just want to be held and told how wonderful I am.  No kissing, rubbing, none of that…it’s not even necessary. When I smile, Fancy Nancy is satisfied and the world is at peace until she finds it imperative to make herself known again. That leads me to my second topic, which is totally unrelated but been on my mind lately: relationships.

This word, relationships sounded so sweet to me a year and some months ago when I was entering the pearly gates of college life. I was floating on clouds with the conviction that I was going to meet a wonderful guy who was going to be my boyfriend all four years of college and we were going to be a wonderful couple and then graduate and get wonderfully married, just like my mother and father…WRONG!! I wasn't even talking to anyone until January and we rushed things and our relationship was done by the end of March. Now that I think about it, it wasn't even much of a relationship because I never kissed him or gave him so much as a hug lol. I guess I wanted a boyfriend so bad that I gave myself permission to settle for something that I knew wouldn't be good for me in the long run. There are some behaviors that were displayed in that situation that cause me to step completely to the left of life if a guy I am talking to displays even a hint of the same conduct. I try not to make this guy pay for what the last guy did, but it’s easier said than done.

After dealing with the second situation, which is slowly but surely getting back to its friendship aspect, I told myself that I am just not a relationship person. I've been telling myself that the whole idea of someday wanting a family is no longer a part of life, but simply an option. I think I finally convinced myself that I want to do so much with my life that a husband and kids is almost out of the question. I wouldn't dare tell my mother and grandmother that, I think they’d have a fit, mostly because it’s my “destined” responsibility to stop the cycle of broken and short-lived relationships that have plagued my family’s women from generation to generation. I’m nineteen though, and thinking about “forever” with anyone would be almost everything except logical and mature thinking, especially since I have life plans that have no loose seams that could possibly wiggle free enough to fit anyone else. Maybe I’ll meet a nice young man who will change the way I feel about relationships. Who knows? I could’ve already met him, but he’s just grooming himself into the man that he feels I deserve.

The Journey

    I'm on a journey. I have packed my bags and placed them on my back, now I am in search of a place to put them down. I'm on a journey to that place called self-love and appreciation which sits right outside of self-respect and that little utopia where standards are set.
    Saturday night, I was telling one of my male friends about my life and how there have been some things that have occurred here recently that have made me question my worth as both a woman and a human in general. In the midst of that conversation, he told me three things that I had to simmer on and apply to my life:

• Get to total self-love
• Tell God everything
• Put forgiveness at the front of everything you do

     As we were talking, he asked me what self-love looked like to me. I found it disturbing that no matter how many times I ran around in my mind searching over and beneath every quote I had ever come across and everything my mother had ever told me, I could not come up with an answer to the seemingly simple question, "What does self-love look like to you?" In order to save myself I told him that I didn't think self-love had a look and that it was more of a feeling, kind of like how someone can look like a good person, but be the most evil bitch or bastard you had ever crossed paths with. He stopped me and answered the question with the most ease in the world and at that moment I realized that I loved myself, but not enough.

     A portion of self-love is recognizing every trial and tribulation that you have been through, and embracing them as stepping stones to who God wants us to be in Him. Even though I have been abused, homeless and rejected by the ones who should have been closest to me, I have to understand that they are all a part of me. On this journey, which my mother described as one of the beautiful processes in one's life, I no longer have the right to parade around, putting up a facade as if my life has been a crystal stair. I have to look my issues in the face and tell them that I forgive them for making my stomach turn when a male touches me or providing me with the false notion that I will never be good enough for any male because I was never good enough for my father or any other male that I saw as someone I wanted to look up to. I have to gather them in my arms and tell I love them because they have made me who I am and who I am yet to become.

    I believe this will be the hardest thing I have ever done, but the ending result will be a powerful woman...

I'll Wait...

   This is such a beautiful song by Anthony Hamilton. It holds so much truth. Why go around giving your heart to any and everyone to beat down and stomp on when there is someone special that needs your heart in full working order...
   With that said, I'll wait for whoever is meant for me. He will know that I deserve each and every part of who his is as much as he deserves me. He will be patient and gentle, and understand that I love him with my whole being even when I act mean towards him. As king and queen, we will build an empire together, that will neither be moved nor shaken by a single being. Our hearts, bodies and souls will be so entwined that we could be miles apart and with one thought from him, I will be able to feel the nonexistent space between us as we love each other down with every ounce of passion that falls from our bodies in the form of white flags shaped as sweat...
   Obviously, I could go on and on but I won't, so enjoy and I hope this song speaks to you as much as it did me.

I Don't Like!

Tiger Woods niggas, that's that ish I don't like!  Kobe Bryant niggas, that's that ish I don't like!
Those were the words I was singing to my friends while pretending to be okay after being faced with the harsh reality that what I have to offer as an Black woman was no longer okay or enough for the guy that I had given so much of myself to. I know I was not in a relationship with this guy or anything like that, but I really thought we were going somewhere. I guess the color of my skin got in the way. I am not white enough for his liking and that hurts me like no one could ever understand.

As I sit here deep in my thought I do not cry for myself, no. I cry for the Black man that feels that the women who look like his mother, are not good enough for him and never will be. The women who since the beginning of time, have done nothing but lift him up and submit to him with a willingness that he could only pull from our soul. The women that fought for him when the white woman cried "rape!', after their advances were declined and the white man came to teach "that nigger" that no matter how intelligent, successful or washed out he may become that he would never be good enough to grace the inner thighs of a white woman. I cry for the Black man who no longer sees the value and beauty in lifting up his black diamond and cherishing every part of her from the crown of her head to the soles of the feet that carry the burden of what seems the world.

I don't get it, and I guess I never will, but, I guess all things aren't meant for me to understand.

A Letter

    By now, any reader should understand that I am not going to write everyday. I believe that life is for the living, and I have been doing just that. When writing becomes a daily "to do" with no inspiration, it becomes a chore, and I refuse for the one thing that I can always get right to become something that I no longer enjoy. I'm not slack, I just don't believe in writing in the midst of false motivation.
   I was reading some of my older writings the other day and I ran across some material that took me to a place of intense emotion that I have been trying to escape for the last few days. With that, I ask this question: Have you ever cared for someone so much that you can never stay mad at them no matter how much they hurt your feelings?
    I am caught in that very situation with an individual who confuses me emotionally in every form and fashion. There are some days that I can feel that we still have something there, but then there are those days when I feel invisible but refuse to get his attention because my pride won't allow itself to be placed in the postion of a "chaser" no matter how much I want my presence to be met with the warm caress of a simple "hello." In those moments when I decide I don't want anything more to do with him, I try to be as curt as possible, but the more I look at him, the more I am reminded of the very reasons I like him so much, therefore putting up with his BS like I never have for anyone else.
   Even though I hate to admit it, I think I want to keep him around for a while. Unfortunately, I don't know if keeping me around is in his agenda. He used to make me feel special and fill me with a joy that was only tangible to the deepest part of my soul.  Whenever I see him I want to hold him and never let him go because I love how our bodies seem to fit together like a puzzle, and the thing about him is that he use to be perfectly okay with that. Then, I am reminded that we haven't had a real conversation in weeks and reaching for him would put my pride on the line and so, I put up an emotional guard, which dances across my face as a wrinkled eyebrow and speaks in the tone of a wearied silence which would cause the most innocent child to suddenly become unapproachable.  
   Some days, I want to pick up the phone and give him a call just to see how these last couple of weeks in class have been going and how life is. I would let him carry on and talk as much as he likes because I love the way he speaks. Everything that comes from his mouth seems to be poetic, even when he is being goofy. Everytime I listen to him, everything in the world seems to make sense, but since there has been no verbal ecstacy between us I have been in one of confusion's unrelenting trances that even those who are closest to me cannot seem to snap me out of.
   I know if I continue to place myself in this incessant cycle of uncertainty, I am bound to be hurt to the core, but, I believe what we could have is worth it and who knows--he may feel the same way.

Introduction

I've always felt as if sharing my writing with the world was a bit of a taboo...almost like placing a session of passionate love making on the internet for anybody to see with no qualm about who the viewer may be. The pen acts as a direct connection to my emotions, and when I hear the music that the point of a pen and paper make in which my heart is acting as conductor, it supplies a euphoric experience like no other...something that I may get lost in for hours at a time, even if that means simply staring at the words that have left my soul exhausted. Sharing that experience, my medicine, with the world just didn't seem right to me.

With a little encouragement from a special someone, I decided that there is nothing wrong with giving people a small piece of me. I was blessed with the ability to write and shielding that from the world will not benefit who I am and who I hope to become.

So here we are...I'm turning a new page in that book called Life.